Drabbles: Alien Cafe
by A Talking Dinosaur
Summary: A collection of drabbles that I've written for the insanity round over on me challenge. Various characters, pairings, and genres.
1. A Bazooka Solves Everything

****A/N: Starting off with a bit of lighthearted F!Shepard and Garrus. Not really a pairing but can be construed that way if it tickles your fancy.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**A Bazooka Solves Everything**

"There's about twenty hostiles in there," Garrus poked his head out and did another quick scan. "Make that twenty-five."

Shepard considered for a moment. "Any sign of Miranda?"

He shook his head. "None. I don't think she's here, Shepard."

That brought a scowl to her face but it didn't linger. Shepard always felt better at the prospect of a little destruction. "Well, they're dead either way so let's get to it."

His mandibles twitched into an amused, if slightly exasperated, smile. "Tell me the plan consists of more than 'kill everyone', Commander."

"Who needs plans," Shepard grinned viciously as she unhooked the launcher, "when a bazooka solves everything?"

"Not you obviously," Garrus muttered, adjusting his grip on his rifle. "Try not to blow me up. There's only so much face paint in the galaxy."

Chuckling, she tossed him a wink and charged in, ignoring the hail of bullets that immediately come her way. "No promises!"


	2. Red

A/N: A F!Shepard/Thane drabble about the sad things to come.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Red (ME3 Spoilers)**

The color of his throat had faded.

It was the first thing Shepard noticed when she saw him and she felt like she'd been hit with a hammer. As she shoved her way through the crowd, it was all she could see and it made her heart hurt in a way she'd never thought possible. _He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it._The thought seemed to make it to her face because Thane was frowning now, opening his mouth to speak, but Shepard threw her arms around him before he could.

"I've missed you," she whispered, tears beginning to sting her eyes.

There was a beat of silence then, "And I you, siha." His grip around her tightened.

Shepard pulled away enough to look at him. "How are you?"

He was searching her face but, in the end, only smiled gently. "Better now that I know you are safe, siha."

Her eyes darted to the dulled red of his throat and she couldn't help but reach up to stroke it carefully.

"Good," she said, taking in a shaky breath. "Good."


	3. Salvation

A/N: A M!Shepard/Jack fill. One of my favorite pairings. Warning for crude language (it is Jack after all).

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Salvation**

The shot went straight through his armor and turned his stomach into a bloody ruin. Shepard stumbled, letting out a strangled yell of pain, but kept firing. The marauder dropped and he bared his teeth in triumph. Shoot or die and he'd be damned if he let these fuckers kill him.

_She'd piss on your grave if they did, marine, and you'd deserve it._

The husks started to press in and he began using his shotgun as a battering ram, crushing the skulls of the ones that got too close. His stomach was pouring blood, painting the ground under his feet, the medi-gel in his armor long gone.

A husk grabbed his arm and Shepard swung, the gun connecting with its neck, but the hit was weak. It clung on, moaning, and its claws reached for his throat. Staring into what had once been a face, Shepard knew it was over.

"I'll tear you apart!"

A blue explosion bloomed in front of his eyes and the husk burst, spraying him with black ooze. Blinking, Shepard turned and couldn't help the laugh that erupted, only to gag as husk bits got into his mouth.

"Fuck, Shepard," she said, shouting as she launched a few into the air, "if I'd known you were pussy enough to get killed by a bunch of husks, I never would have fucked you!"

He grinned widely, showing every one of his blood-stained teeth. "I love you too, Jack!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Her cheeks were rosy and she looked away to hide it, a snarl on her lips. "Now starting killing the fuckers before I decide I don't need to put up with your stupid shit!"

He primed his shotgun, still grinning. "Yes, ma'am!"


	4. Hallelujah

A/N: Early F!Shepard/Garrus. Set in ME2.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Hallelujah**

After his face exploded with pain, his world became a blur. His ears were roaring, drowning out the sounds of battle around him. Something wet was puddling around his nose, choking him but he couldn't seem to move away. His body was so heavy.

"Garrus!"

A hand grabbed his shoulder, rolling him onto his back, and he drew in a painful, gurgling breath. The light was too bright.

"Radio the Normandy! Make sure they're ready for us!"

Strange halos filled the room, blinding him, but he could see her, her form above him oddly clear. She looked different from what he remembered, her face covered in glowing red scars, but it was still her; she was still alive. At that moment, he realized he'd never known anyone so beautiful.

"Stay with me, Garrus."

His vision wavered, the lights were blazing, but he held on, keeping his eyes anchored on hers. He wasn't going anywhere, not now, not when she'd only just found him again.

_Stay with me, Shepard._


	5. Embroidery

A/N: Post-ME3 with Tali and Kal.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Embroidery**

The embroidery was pretty.

At first, Tali had thought it might be a bit too- well, a bit too _Miranda_- but the more she looked at it, the more she liked it. When Rannoch's sun shone through, the silver threads glittered and threw tiny points of light across the walls like stars. It reminded Tali of home.

"The curtains are a nice touch, ma'am."

The voice made her smile even as her stomach clenched with nervousness. She'd been waiting for him to stop by but now, seeing him, she almost wished he hadn't. _Tell him now or never, Tali._

"It's still just 'Tali', Kal."

The set of his shoulders was teasing despite the pain in his stance from his recent injuries. "Yes, that is your name, ma'am."

She cocked her hip, knowing he was laughing behind his mask. "I suppose I'll never get you to say it."

"You might, ma'am."

Tali moved to stand closer, her heart pounding. _Just tell him._

"I need to tell you something, Kal."

He tilted his head slightly in confusion at the abrupt switch in topic. "Ma'am?"

She felt clammy, like she had a breach in her suit, and she couldn't stop her hands from wringing each other anxiously. She took a deep breath.

"I lo-oo-" Tali choked on the words, her throat closing, and she started to cough.

Kal put his hand on her shoulder in concern, his body angled towards hers. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, fine," she gasped, face hot with embarrassment and not for the first time, she was glad to be wearing a mask. "I'm fine."

Nodding, he stepped back and leaned against the doorframe. "You were saying, ma'am?"

Tali sighed and shook her head, feeling more than a little shame at her cowardice. "Nothing. Just that..." She turned back to stare at the curtains, flashes of light stabbing her eyes. "Just call me 'Tali', Kal."

_Damn it._


	6. Dangerous Type

A/N: The batarians believe that the soul leaves the body through the eyes after death. Just a little tibit to enhance your reading experience ;). Warnings: extreme violence.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Dangerous Type**

Finding the first was simple. As frightened as they were of him, they made no effort to hide when they believed him beaten. It was a mistake they would each learn to regret.

"Just...kill...me...drell," the batarian's voice was weak, his throat torn raw from pain, "...please."

Thane watched him struggle. His body was a ruin of flesh and blood, even its screams were nothing more than a whisper. He set down the knife.

"I'm...sorry..._please_."

The words lit something inside him; something hot and hating. It roared through him like an inferno but at the same time, he could barely feel it. He had barely felt anything recently except the slickness of blood on his hands. Not since they took her from him. _Irikah_-

Thane picked up the knife and grabbed the batarian's face, pressing the blade against an eye; the first of several. The batarian was crying now, babbling prayers. Thane ignored him and dug the knife deep into the socket.

He could never be sorry enough.


	7. Baby, You're a Rich Man

A/N: Set sometime during ME2.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Baby, You're a Rich Man**

"Warning: the cargo hold is being vented."

"Wait. _What?_" Joker hurriedly brought up a display and scanned it. He scrolled through several pages of data before looking at the AI's blue holographic in confusion. "Um, EDI?"

"That was a joke."

"Right." He rolled his eyes and let himself relax again. "Just so you know, it needed some work. The delivery was great- don't get me wrong- but the timing was all off. Next time, try it when we're being attacked by Reapers and we're desperately fighting for our lives. It'll really get some laughs then. Just sayin'."

"I'm not sure EDI should be taking humor lessons from you, Joker."

Joker spun his chair around, letting a small smile dance on his lips. "Ah, you know my jokes are the light of your life, Commander."

Shepard folded her arms and smirked. "And here I was thinking they were more of an unfortunate side effect of having the best pilot in the galaxy."

Joker tried to hide it, but he preened. "Glad I could help clear that up for you, Commander."

"Hmmm. Take us to the Citadel, Joker. I've got some yelling at the Council to do."

"Make sure you take pictures this time."

Shepard tossed him a wink and left, her hips swaying a little more than usual. He watched her go then turned and plotted their course, a grin tugging at his face.

"Jeff, I have an inquiry."

"Lay it on me, EDI."

"I find the courtship displays between you and the Commander to be atypical from others I have observed. Perhaps you would be willing to provide me with additional data by volunteering as test subjects?"

Joker yanked at his hat and scowled, knowing his ears had turned bright red. "First of all, EDI, seriously creepy. Second, shut up."

"...That was a joke."


	8. The Best is Yet to Come Undone

A/N: I'd like to give a quick 'thank you' to shadow frost 91. Thank you for putting this collection on your alert list =). I was happily surprised.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**The Best is Yet to Come Undone**

For the first time, Shepard realized that she couldn't do it. She'd given everything she had but it wasn't enough. She didn't have anything left.

She lay there, blood pooling beneath her and soaking into the dirt, but she couldn't bring herself to care. It was almost a relief to know it was almost over. She was so tired.

"Shepard!"

She blinked, her vision swimming. Someone was leaning over her, shouting her name, someone she knew.

"Wake up, Commander!"

The world swayed into focus and she saw it was Garrus, his face tight with fear and one of his mandibles missing. _You should be dead. Am I dead?_ She didn't think so; death wasn't supposed to hurt this much. She should know. She's been dead before and it wasn't anything like this.

Garrus bent down, swearing as he slathered medi-gel over her wounds. Hissing, Shepard tried to swat his hand away but only managed a weak shove. He pushed her arm back down with a growl and kept working until she was more medi-gel than skin.

"You shouldn't...be here, Garrus" she rasped, closing her eyes wearily only to pop them open again when she felt his hand on her chin. His grip was gentle but his expression was fierce. He knew what she was really saying. _Let me die._

"You don't get to die, Shepard. Not while I'm alive to stop you."

He was almost snarling, daring her to try and stop him but she didn't, she couldn't. After a tense moment, he dropped her face and heaved her onto his shoulder. Gasping, she hung on, her heart beating hard from more than just adrenaline. Garrus shoved a pistol into her free hand and she gripped it tightly, the familiar weight of it stirring something inside her.

Looking at him, Shepard had to blinked as her eyes began to sting with tears. She still had something left.


	9. Give Me a Drink

A/N: This one requires a little extra info. It's about my three OCs: Esh a salarian shady arms-dealer, Teva an alcoholic asari ex-mercenary, and Kahira a teenaged nerdy drell. Set during ME3.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Give Me a Drink**

The days had begun to blur together. How long had it been since the Citadel was attacked? Days? Weeks? _Months_? Teva couldn't be sure. All she knew was she really needed a fucking drink.

"His arm was torn off, Teva. Other than slapping medi-gel on it, I can't help him."

Esh's face remained as unreadable as ever but after days of fighting for their lives together, she could tell he was worried.

"We can't just leave him like this," she said, keeping her voice low.

"We don't have a lot of other options."

Teva glanced at Kahira. He was slumped against the wall, staring blankly at the tattered remains of his arm, his mech-dog at his feet. _He's just a kid._

"We find help, then," she turned back to Esh, her face grim. "We can't be the only ones left on this Goddess-forsaken station."

He crossed his arms. "You know it's not that simple. Even if there was help to be found, he'd never make it. Frankly, I'm surprised he's lasted this long."

Teva knew it was true but it didn't mean she wanted to admit it. "We can't leave him like this," she repeated, her expression stubborn.

Esh was quiet for a moment before he sighed heavily. "We won't. I'll go alone."

"What?" She shook her head. "Are you out of your damn mind?"

"I can move faster on my own and hide where a group can't. It's our only option."

"It's fucking suicide. You'll be ripped apart before you get across the street."

Esh looked scornful. "Stealth is a difficult concept for you, I know, but I can manage it. We don't have a choice if we want to save his life." Esh's voice was calm, as if he hadn't just offered to throw his life away.

Teva fell silent at that, her eyes darting back to Kahira. He was watching them now with a lost expression, his large black eyes shining in the low light.

_Goddess, I need a drink._


	10. Some Problems Can't Be Solved

A/N: Some more Jack/M!Shepard, this time set in ME2. Lots of swearing 'cause, you know...it's Jack ;).

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware/EA and so on and so forth.

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**Some Problems Can't Be Solved With Violence**

"I thought I told you to fuck off."

Shepard leaned against the bulkhead, a determined expression on his face. He wasn't going anywhere until she talked to him. "I meant what I said, Jack. Ignoring it isn't going to change how I feel."

She snarled, her fists glowing, but she didn't look up, her eyes darting to anywhere but him. "I don't care about your fucking _feelings_, Shepard. Now, get out."

He crossed his arms stubbornly. "You have to talk to me about it eventually."

There he went again. Demanding. Pushing. Acting like he actually gave a damn. A wave of rage swept over her and she reveled in it, letting the feeling swell until it was all she was. She'd had enough/

"Leave me," Jack screamed and a warp went flying towards him, "the _fuck_alone!"

Shepard ducked and it crashed into the wall behind him, leaving a smoking scorch mark on the metal. The smell of her biotics- like a struck match- hung almost like a veil in the air between them. He straightened slowly, his face stony, and Jack expected him to strike back- was hoping he would- but he didn't. Her breathing was loud and harsh in the silence that followed.

Jack waited, her skin prickling under his gaze, but he just stood there, his eyes flashing with emotion that made her look away. Shepard opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it, shaking his head. Finally, he turned away, his shoulders visibly tense, and left without another word.

Tears were stinging her eyes and she swiped at them angrily. She didn't need his bullshit. And that's all it was. Bullshit. She'd heard it before and it had always been just another way to fuck her over. It didn't matter that things were different. It didn't matter that she-

_Fuck_.


	11. Break in Case of Emergency

**Break in Case of Emergency**

She was finally alone.

Jack didn't know exactly how long she'd been here. It could have been hours, days, weeks. Maybe she'd never actually left. Had it all been a trick? A new way to fuck with her and see how she danced for them? Or even worse; something she'd made up all on her own?

_No_. She shook her head hard, making her neck ache in protest. Her escape had been real. Shepard had been real. It had all been real and she wasn't going to let those fuckers take it from her. She wasn't going to let them take anything from her ever again.

It had taken pain but at last, they'd left her alone. They had been smart enough- or fucked up enough- not to leave her entirely free in her cell and had left her restrained by her wrist, a simple metal chain attached to the wall and twisting one of her arms into an extreme angle behind her. Forced to balance on the balls of her feet, most of her weight rested on her shoulder, making every movement agony. It was a familiar position, one that they had favored when she'd still been just a kid. Back then, it had been enough to keep her still for days, too afraid of the pain it would bring to try and fight it. The stupid fucks had forgotten something, though.

She wasn't that kid anymore.

Gritting her teeth, Jack closed her eyes tight and stood, spinning around as her arm snapped in two and her shoulder ripped out of its socket. The pain was excruciating and for a moment, she thought she had torn her arm from her body but it was still there, hanging limp and broken and useless in its trap. Sweat and tears leaving filthy streaks down her face, she laughed when she saw it, the sound barely able to make it past a throat raw from screaming. _Time's almost up, you sick fucks._

With a vicious smile, she gathered her biotics around her good arm and gripped the chain that connected her to her cell. The metal warped under her fist until the links popped open with a violent _crack_. She was breathing hard as she stepped away from the wall, a feeling of ecstasy rushing through her; better than any of the shit she'd ever taken. In its hold, she was endless.

Energy and power blazed through her, turning her into blue fire. Outside her cell, Jack could hear the blare of alarms and the stomp of booted feet but to her, it was only noise. They were waiting for her out there; to capture her, to change her, to make her their weapon but she would never give them that chance. She was finally free and she wasn't going to let them take that away from her.

The door opened and she soared.


	12. Good Morning

A/N: Written for the Mass Effect Kiss Battle over on livejournal. F!Shepard/Garrus

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**Good Morning**

They were outnumbered. She didn't know by how many. A dozen? Two dozen? It was hard to say with the slugs whizzing by, keeping them firmly in place. Despite this, Shepard risked a quick peek and immediately ducked as fire rained down on her head. She wasn't quite fast enough and a round whipped through her hair, bringing a few brilliant strands to the floor. Glancing down, the severed hair tickling her bare feet and stark against her skin, a wild laugh leaped out from her throat.

The high pop of gunfire was ringing in her ears. The air was electrified, stinging her lungs pleasantly. Her blood was singing, the sun was shining, the bullets were flying, and Garrus was right there with her.

It was a good morning.

"Glad to know you're enjoying yourself," Garrus drawled and she didn't have to be looking at him to know he was rolling his eyes.

Her sleep shirt riding up past her knees, Shepard turned to wink at him.

"With you here, baby, how could I be having anything else?" Smirking, she tapped his silk-clad chest. "Especially since I know you've got some heavy weaponry stored in that fancy suit somewhere."

"It's unbelievable, I know," his tone was amused, the flanging quality more pronounced, and his mandibles twitched rhythmically, "but Fornax's Sexiest Man in the Galaxy title didn't come with a complimentary rocket launcher."

Her voice became an exaggerated purr and she sent him a sidelong look. "Not the sort of big guns I meant, dollface."

As anticipated, he gave his wide, turian grin and Shepard's stomach gave a pleased flip. There was nothing that she loved more than making him smile that beautiful smile. _Well_, her expression turned positively devilish, her eyes sparkling with mischief, _maybe there are a few things_.

The sound of gunfire changed and without missing a beat, they both leaned out of cover. Firing as one, they took out the hostiles trying to flank them, their shots striking unprotected faces.

"_Dollface_?" he asked, still grinning, as they slid back into safety. In a smooth motion, he dropped his spent heat sink and slammed in a fresh one.

She watched him, her eyes wide and innocent, though she knew he was a long way from fooled.

"What? No good?"

"Not the worst you've ever thrown at me," he said, dry as a desert wind, "but really, you're weird human pet names don't do much for my dangerous reputation. You can't imagine the looks I get at the Ruggedly Handsome Turian conventions."

On the other side of their hiding spot, the enemy was shouting- demanding- but Shepard ignored them, leaning toward Garrus. "Oh? Do you have something else in mind, then?"

His voice took on a purr of its own and his eyes were on hers, dark and lovely. "A few things, actually."

Leaning in closer still, she kissed him; first on the hard plates of his mouth and then the soft, velvety skin of his throat. She put everything that she was into it and knew that he felt it when he sucked in a breath, his mandibles scraping gently against her skin.

After a moment, she drew away and laid her forehead against his, feeling her heart pounding in her chest. Their breath mingled and her lips were a whisper against his plates. He reached out for her free hand and squeezed, stroking the rough skin of her knuckles.

"Sweet-thing," she smiled slow and lazy, giving him a promise, "we get out of this alive and I'll call you whatever you want."


End file.
